I made my higher studies away from home, about two hours away on a double-decker coach. As an incorrigible bohemian I did more than just study hard. Going out every single night with so many fascinating and wonderful people was a real life changing experience and if you have a choice between studying close to home (and not having your own room) and going into a different city, always prefer the latter. You won't be alone out there that much I can promise you.
"The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know" is a groovy Russian proverb that states the obvious: we fear the Unknown [*creepy church organ*]; and it holds somewhat true except in what concerns this very specific matter (and new girlfriends).
One late Friday afternoon, I was, as usual, on one of those journey's back home, switching between my new found world and the old one, when the bus suddenly stopped. I was travelling on the top level so I was able to see all the immobile cars lining up as far as I could perceive (this could be from three to four meters as I have a common visual impediment known as the "not changing glasses when you should" Syndrome).
At this point, as the proud and inveterate chain smoker that I am, I quickly began to distress. It was taking so long for our transportation to move that our stubborn driver finally gave in to the "smoking opportunity" argument and allowed us to go outside for some quick smokes (we were whining very loudly too).
While outside, by the side of the road, the rumours of an accident travelled all the way from the crash site until they reached our ears.
When the driver called us back in, I could not understand why, for we could easily follow our transportation on foot. It almost didn't move for several precious smoking minutes. A couple of arrogant snails were having a rare moment of glory as they passed us by, laughing their shells off.
Actually, we were moving so slowly that I imagined that this terrible disrupting disaster must have involved a long heavy truck filled with some high inflammable fluid and a radioactive secret NASA project that happened to be passing by. I was honestly expecting to see a replica of the Barringer Crater on the freeway (which - in the remote case you are not God - looks something like this when viewed from the sky: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Meteor.jpg).
Traffic authorities were now surely building a temporary bridge strong enough for us to pass over the huge crater filled with bodies similar to those from the "Night of the Living Dead" (but I tend to hyperbolise things, and sometimes even exaggerate – so I've been told).
Naturally, I was immensely disappointed when I saw the highway unbelievably still in one piece and, to my utter disbelief, not even a symbolic blood stain on the asphalt (or undead zombies' limbs for that matter). Every single driver was slowing down his march only to a get a peek on the possible horrid and sordid details which, to much general disappointment, only consisted in scratch paint and some smashed front lights. The policemen were signaling drivers to move along: "There's nothing to see here…". And there wasn't. Really.
I was amazed that such a sissy accident could make the traffic flow stop on BOTH directions! Cars on the opposite lane were also slowing down to check out this "Gentle Tragedy of the Slightly Broken Headlights".
But everybody – and I mean "everybody" (yours truly included) – had to take a long closer look. We wanted blood. The director's cut of the Tiananmen Square Massacre in stupid traffic jam flavour. Instead, it was a true fraud on one's great expectations of a free freak show… *sight*
And I must ask: Is this morbid curiosity phenomenae universal? Does it happen on other planets too? Why do human beings facing a car crash instantly become the traffic inspector of the month? Am I entitled to some sort of benefit for those hours forever stolen from my existence and which I can never get back? And if so, does the government pay by cheque or electronic transfer? (I'll leave these difficult questions open for further sociological study.)
After we had passed the accident scene and just when I fondly thought that the worst was over, I painfully began to realize that our driver was going as slowly as he possibly could (snails were again poking fun at us as they passed us by), probably because a flop crash is nevertheless a crash and it makes people somewhat more cautious. It takes away the courage from your otherwise intrepid maniacal suicide driver.
My two hour trip became a five hour odyssey where nothing interesting happens. In order to entertain myself a bit, I came up with some progressive and controversial ideas to stop this sort of thing from happening again. My mixed feelings of boredom and rebellion can be single out as the main inspiration for this first set of overwhelmingly surprising ideas:
a) Destroy all vehicles (except the coach that takes me home);
b) Blind everybody who is curious (or may be in the future);
c) Hunt down all the drivers who slow down when they see an accident (do not accept such lame and classic excuses as: "I was slowing down to see if assistance to the wounded was necessary");
d) Legally prevent people from having the liberty of stepping outside their homes - especially with a car - and call it the "National Home Imprisonment Act" (the "National" part is obviously intended to make it more appealing for both Neo-conservatism and National Socialism enthusiasts alike).
As these brilliant ideas came into my mind, I laughed a little bit (something along the lines of "BUA-HAHA-ha-ha-a…") and briefly recalled my lifelong dream of "founding of an Empire as big as planet Earth with someone really capable as its eternal ruler" (I usually say this while discreetly coughing and pointing very tactfully at my thorax), but soon realized they were not possible to put into practice, due to financial constraints.
So I had to try solving it some other (cheaper) way. In the spirit of the economically feasible, I devised a few products which could very well spell the end of "Morbid Curiosity" epidemic as we know it and in a very near future.
*drums* *suspense* *deep voice with reverb*:
Now, for the first time in Human History, presenting this unbelievable product designed to save us from the loss of priceless wasted traffic time…
*more suspense* *people biting their finger nails in excitement*
Yes!!! It's the incredible:
"Traffic Accident Curious Onlooker Preventing BLINDER" (tm)
(Patent pending)
*glorious [previously recorded] applause*
"But, how does this amazing invention work?" – You might ask.
Well, it's basically a curtain that completely surrounds the accident scene thus hindering the vicious inquisitive ones from satisfying their sordid peeking needs (like verifying the body count).
And it has such marvellous options: the optional dull photos which will make any curious driver look away for something more interesting (e.g. the grey sidewalk); and the stunning electric land mines (for those who try to come near and lift the screen).
As a complementary solution to this rather complex problem I then came up with "Simulated Car Collisions" (tm) (Patent also pending) to avoid speeding freaks from gathering the necessary mindless bravery by having some strategically placed false accidents just for show. This would mean having an office that would come up with different "motifs". We would, of course, need to pay handsomely to those people who have a sick enough imagination to help preventing traffic slowdowns and accidents by creating them (I'm available, by the way).
The third approach is the widely misunderstood "Fake-an-Accident Civil Program" (patent refused due to stupidity). It consists on "volunteers" (concept subject to redefinition without notice) that agree beforehand to have a small but effective accident on a busy freeway, aiming directly at cutting public expenses.
There must certainly be a market for these ideas; I will therefore be filthy rich pretty soon (and world domination will be at last within my grasp).
"The devil you know is better than the devil you don't know" is a groovy Russian proverb that states the obvious: we fear the Unknown [*creepy church organ*]; and it holds somewhat true except in what concerns this very specific matter (and new girlfriends).
One late Friday afternoon, I was, as usual, on one of those journey's back home, switching between my new found world and the old one, when the bus suddenly stopped. I was travelling on the top level so I was able to see all the immobile cars lining up as far as I could perceive (this could be from three to four meters as I have a common visual impediment known as the "not changing glasses when you should" Syndrome).
At this point, as the proud and inveterate chain smoker that I am, I quickly began to distress. It was taking so long for our transportation to move that our stubborn driver finally gave in to the "smoking opportunity" argument and allowed us to go outside for some quick smokes (we were whining very loudly too).
While outside, by the side of the road, the rumours of an accident travelled all the way from the crash site until they reached our ears.
When the driver called us back in, I could not understand why, for we could easily follow our transportation on foot. It almost didn't move for several precious smoking minutes. A couple of arrogant snails were having a rare moment of glory as they passed us by, laughing their shells off.
Actually, we were moving so slowly that I imagined that this terrible disrupting disaster must have involved a long heavy truck filled with some high inflammable fluid and a radioactive secret NASA project that happened to be passing by. I was honestly expecting to see a replica of the Barringer Crater on the freeway (which - in the remote case you are not God - looks something like this when viewed from the sky: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Meteor.jpg).
Traffic authorities were now surely building a temporary bridge strong enough for us to pass over the huge crater filled with bodies similar to those from the "Night of the Living Dead" (but I tend to hyperbolise things, and sometimes even exaggerate – so I've been told).
Naturally, I was immensely disappointed when I saw the highway unbelievably still in one piece and, to my utter disbelief, not even a symbolic blood stain on the asphalt (or undead zombies' limbs for that matter). Every single driver was slowing down his march only to a get a peek on the possible horrid and sordid details which, to much general disappointment, only consisted in scratch paint and some smashed front lights. The policemen were signaling drivers to move along: "There's nothing to see here…". And there wasn't. Really.
I was amazed that such a sissy accident could make the traffic flow stop on BOTH directions! Cars on the opposite lane were also slowing down to check out this "Gentle Tragedy of the Slightly Broken Headlights".
But everybody – and I mean "everybody" (yours truly included) – had to take a long closer look. We wanted blood. The director's cut of the Tiananmen Square Massacre in stupid traffic jam flavour. Instead, it was a true fraud on one's great expectations of a free freak show… *sight*
And I must ask: Is this morbid curiosity phenomenae universal? Does it happen on other planets too? Why do human beings facing a car crash instantly become the traffic inspector of the month? Am I entitled to some sort of benefit for those hours forever stolen from my existence and which I can never get back? And if so, does the government pay by cheque or electronic transfer? (I'll leave these difficult questions open for further sociological study.)
After we had passed the accident scene and just when I fondly thought that the worst was over, I painfully began to realize that our driver was going as slowly as he possibly could (snails were again poking fun at us as they passed us by), probably because a flop crash is nevertheless a crash and it makes people somewhat more cautious. It takes away the courage from your otherwise intrepid maniacal suicide driver.
My two hour trip became a five hour odyssey where nothing interesting happens. In order to entertain myself a bit, I came up with some progressive and controversial ideas to stop this sort of thing from happening again. My mixed feelings of boredom and rebellion can be single out as the main inspiration for this first set of overwhelmingly surprising ideas:
a) Destroy all vehicles (except the coach that takes me home);
b) Blind everybody who is curious (or may be in the future);
c) Hunt down all the drivers who slow down when they see an accident (do not accept such lame and classic excuses as: "I was slowing down to see if assistance to the wounded was necessary");
d) Legally prevent people from having the liberty of stepping outside their homes - especially with a car - and call it the "National Home Imprisonment Act" (the "National" part is obviously intended to make it more appealing for both Neo-conservatism and National Socialism enthusiasts alike).
As these brilliant ideas came into my mind, I laughed a little bit (something along the lines of "BUA-HAHA-ha-ha-a…") and briefly recalled my lifelong dream of "founding of an Empire as big as planet Earth with someone really capable as its eternal ruler" (I usually say this while discreetly coughing and pointing very tactfully at my thorax), but soon realized they were not possible to put into practice, due to financial constraints.
So I had to try solving it some other (cheaper) way. In the spirit of the economically feasible, I devised a few products which could very well spell the end of "Morbid Curiosity" epidemic as we know it and in a very near future.
*drums* *suspense* *deep voice with reverb*:
Now, for the first time in Human History, presenting this unbelievable product designed to save us from the loss of priceless wasted traffic time…
*more suspense* *people biting their finger nails in excitement*
Yes!!! It's the incredible:
"Traffic Accident Curious Onlooker Preventing BLINDER" (tm)
(Patent pending)
*glorious [previously recorded] applause*
"But, how does this amazing invention work?" – You might ask.
Well, it's basically a curtain that completely surrounds the accident scene thus hindering the vicious inquisitive ones from satisfying their sordid peeking needs (like verifying the body count).
And it has such marvellous options: the optional dull photos which will make any curious driver look away for something more interesting (e.g. the grey sidewalk); and the stunning electric land mines (for those who try to come near and lift the screen).
As a complementary solution to this rather complex problem I then came up with "Simulated Car Collisions" (tm) (Patent also pending) to avoid speeding freaks from gathering the necessary mindless bravery by having some strategically placed false accidents just for show. This would mean having an office that would come up with different "motifs". We would, of course, need to pay handsomely to those people who have a sick enough imagination to help preventing traffic slowdowns and accidents by creating them (I'm available, by the way).
The third approach is the widely misunderstood "Fake-an-Accident Civil Program" (patent refused due to stupidity). It consists on "volunteers" (concept subject to redefinition without notice) that agree beforehand to have a small but effective accident on a busy freeway, aiming directly at cutting public expenses.
There must certainly be a market for these ideas; I will therefore be filthy rich pretty soon (and world domination will be at last within my grasp).
It is now, I believe, just a matter of time...
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